Saturday Date

Saturday Date
-Rowland Ross

Dating has become like shopping in a huge American style super cheap mall were there is plenty to buy at cheap prices, but with no real quality.

When ever I join a new website I still get the initial rush of new opportunity. A fresh batch of hot new guys that I have never seen or met, I begin to shop in my new most favourite down town discount store and see what cheap goods it has to offer and how far my money will go. With all the websites you really do get a different feel for the people who go on them, there are definitely types, you become very judgemental and easily put off by bad photography or dodgy locations, I dismissed a guy only the other day because of the wallpaper in his picture, it just gave me an over all bad feeling about him, wood chip is always a turn off.

The best luck I have had is on thing box.com which is the newest one I have joined I Fear I have become addicted to the initial feeling of hope that joining these websites brings but with thing box I thought it could deliver the quality of men seemed superior to the others and I was much more suited to the type of guy on there more creative and artistic beardy blokes.

Last week I decided to go on a date marathon setting up dates almost each night, this is really good to do when you find yourself with no plans, its also a great way to try out new places and bars to see that Indiana Jones movie your friends just won’t go too, its also a good way to keep steadily drinking through out the week with out any one ever discovering your true alcohol problems. These men were on my confayabelt like a fast food restaurant I realised I was also on theirs.

It never ceases to amaze me how guys just never look like there photographs when you meet them it is almost always a let down last Saturday was no exception. On his profile he seemed so handsome and interesting like a bearded Greek god with pectorals of steel and a handsome smile.

In reality he was a pot bellied pig dwarf hobbit goblin American freakish fugly squat face, without being to judgemental or shallow about it.
I was so excited to meet him as well as I usually like American men it panders to that jock stud fantasy I have This all came crashing down in the first 30 seconds.

This guy was a trip. The beginning of the date started badly, mainly because of the way he had deceived me with the online photographs and also because he had a go at me about directions I gave him, telling me in a little angry American voice that he could have been here allot sooner if he had come the way that he thought. I was already planning how I would make my exit. This was the first time I noticed his head wobbling like a black girl attitude kinda thang the warning signs were there and had exploded like fire works.

I took him straight to the pub and ordered a couple of pints I downed mine straight off after listening to his whining American accent on the way to the pub I needed to get loaded ASAP. I felt like I was having an outta body experience. We went outside the pub to smoke and He saw a guy with a Brompton and said” I used to have one of those; it’s just like riding a bike”. I didn’t no how to respond to this. His American sitcom way of punctuating his sentence with his face like head wobbling and eye opening, girly attitude style, when he was trying to make a point was making me feel physically sick.

After a couple more pints I still wasn’t warning to this man even drink hadn’t helped I was just becoming increasingly alarmed by the things he was saying. He kept mentioning his back that he had hurt at the gym, he explained he had some quite strong pain killers he had brought over from the US, he asked if I wanted to take one I was like cool, he told me mixed with alcohol they have a nice effect almost like your stoned. I took the pill hoping that it would magically transport me elsewhere it didn’t. He then went on to tell me how he came about having these magic little pills

“I had anal warts last spring” “yeah was an awful time I had to wear man nappies for 6 months” “it hurt so bad to shit”

Imagine your favourite American sitcom star saying this, lots of head wobbling and eyes opening wide and shutting just at the right timing to get a laugh. Except there was no laughs just my worried sick looking face.
“These pain killers really got me thru, you’ll see”

He went on and on into all the ins and outs, he was like a non smoker who had given up, the worst kinda of people! Overly confident and knowing about his subject, He was almost trying to convince me that I had the disease
“You’re probably a carrier” “many people are with out Knowing” “It’s very contagious” “You’re probably have it, almost definitely”

“What?”

I was imagining him on mastermind “welcome short fat hobbit dwarf fugaly American to the stage and what’s your subject?”
“Anal Warts” (head wobbler lips pursed, with wide eye finish.)

There was a couple of things going round in my head one was why tell me about this, he could have made up a more glamorous disease I mean I would have bought back pain or swollen ankles would have passed but being this brutally honest on a first date was well, brutal! There was too much excitement in his regaling of treatment and after care as well which was worrying.
My brow was furrowed and my mouth was ajar, I really wanted to move on to a different conversation
It was really difficult to pick up the conversation from here but I tried a new with the subject of Christmas
“Don’t you just love Christmas?”

“I do, last Christmas was when the healing process was almost over it was the first time I could shit with out pain”

(My Chin was on the table)

The pill had now started to take affect everything was in slow motion I looked towards the door and in walked a familiar face thank god! Something familiar and normal

I recognised him but I wasn’t sure how, he was handsome but who was this stranger, I realised it was my Monday night date for the following week that I had set up. The whole situation became David lynch. I was drunk and stoned on pain killer and was on a date with a 4 foot nappy wearing umpalumpa, pot bellied American who had an obsession with his anus and telling strangers about it.

I saw my Monday night buy a drink and go and stand outside with it I quickly excused my self to the toilet and went out to join him.

He was so short as well after this pill he seemed like a man in miniature and I felt like a giant, everything was in slow motion.
This is so common on the internet dating guys are rarely above 5.8 inch it is to much of a common occurrence not to note. So we begin to talk awkwardly but I hardly notice the awkwardness, this guy is a welcome relief from my previous conversation with the American. But the conversation became just as random before long, he told me he was in the mosquito net business, I didn’t know there was such a business to be in. but its like the bug spray business or the wig spray business, somebody does it you just never think your gonna meet that somebody.

My speech had become slurred and I felt woozy and for some reason my anus had started to hurt, I was really trying to stay interested in why mosquito nets were gonna save the world but it was hard to concentrate, I had been away from the table for too long so I made my excuse to Monday night guy and went back to the table.

I was wasted I looked at the clock it was 7.30 it was still light and I was completely loaded. I made my excuses and left the pub when I woke up the next day my butt was bleeding the only explanation I decided was that I had been raped by a ghost in the night.