Beef Crisp Tan

Beef Crisp Tan
-Rowland Ross
I use spray tans to give my body a more uniform appearance, the down side of this is my body exudes the aroma of beef crisps, as told to me by an old age pensioner on the bus the other day.

I have stopped smoking all together, but keep a spare tobacco pouch in my bedroom for absolute drunken emergencies only. I have had to stop using this method of non smoking as it has lead to me becoming a “sleep smoker” . This condition is not unlike “sleep walking” .I sit up in bed seek out the tobacco role the cigarette and smoke it all while perfectly asleep. I wake up with a hacking cough and at least 25 stubbed out cigarettes in the ashtray. Its gotten worse, the other day I woke up to find 4 shot glasses and an empty bottle of vodka and some poppers by the bed “sleep partying”

I have started to “party” in my sleep I have no memories of the night’s events just a head ache and hangover, because of this I have had to get rid of any remnants of tobacco and alcohol that are in the flat. I wonder what the next step will be, maybe sleep walking right out of my flat, perhaps to a bar, or a betting shop, how unsophisticated will my sleep life become?

Bottom line, I’m not to be trusted and am looking into buying bed restraints at Argoose so as not to out live my burning desires in my sleep to drink smoke and become a street person.

I rarely have guests.
By having guests you make your self a servant you become the help. House hold furnishings are attention seeking scum just like pets. You don’t want a stupid animal taking up all the limelight, my advice is kill your pets and get rid of all your patterned wall paper and busy furnishings just anything that’s going to take the attention away or lead to conversations that are not orientated around you, whilst having a guest over. When you are in the room, you want all eyes on one thing, all attention focused directly.

That is why in my new flat it is completely pared down I don’t own a thing its bare there is not fittings or fixtures no kitchen or bed just blank walls with a spotlight. It’s a gallery and I’m the living breathing work of art to be seen and experienced.
There is no distractions nothing to take the focus away from what I might be saying or singing. I’m in a shed I’m renting from a friend I live at the bottom of the garden, and since moving in strangely I have not been bothered by too many guests, although I lie in wait…or rather stand against the white painted slats with no real room to lie, the spot light shining on me or rather the torch on a string shining on me, at the bottom of the garden from a suburban house on a culdy sac in Tottenham hale, and I am happy Amen.-Rowland Ross