Tuesday, 17 February 2009

Witness Relocation Programme

Witness Relocation Plan.

It was a Saturday afternoon and funnily enough I found myself with no plans.
This seems to happen more and more, now that I have stopped answering my phone to friends.

In these no plan situations I often found myself wandering around DVD stores
Looking for the perfect film to take my mind off having no plans.
Choosing a DVD is a mind field, I want to get a film that really doesn’t remind me of my life or what’s missing from my life or any part of my life.

I don’t want to get a film with any morality story in it, no hidden messages, or a film where things “work out” in the end. I don’t want to watch something were people are too happy or too beautiful. I don’t want to watch something were people achieve things or become successful or overcome things. On the other hand I don’t want anything too depressing, nothing romantic for reasons I just don’t need to explain, I certainly won’t be watching anything funny. There is nothing so lonesome as laughing out loud alone in one’s bedsit.

And nothing scary, it’s just never scary enough! as I walk through the lanes and lanes of cut price DVD eight for one deals with the not so easy listening sound of carpenters music whaling in my ear, I realise there is only one genre that is safe to watch in my fragile state and that is Action.

This one particular Saturday I decided on an unknown Arnold
Schwarzenegger movie called Eraser. On the front cover is a picture of him in
dark leathers straddling a motorbike holding two huge guns in each hand with
the word Eraser written in blood above his head.
I knew from the front cover that this film was for me. Action films have very
little to do with my life because they are about exercise, It would be complete escapism. It would do nothing in the way of harm emotionally.

I didn’t even read the back; I just cashed it up and went on my way.

The plot of the film is based around a woman who works for a nuclear power
company who is in cahoots with the Russians and the Japanese because they
have developed this new technology which produce’s these lazar guns that
are illegal and could destroy civilisation as we know it.
Meanwhile the CIA has approached this woman and she is now a double
agent working for them trying to get the information she needs from the
company she is working for. This all goes wrong everyone she knows or
speaks to is killed in horrific ways. She is hunted down like a dog, and needs
to disappear fast! She is the witness that is holding all the information
together, and she needs to be kept alive so as that civilisation is to be saved, I think I mean I think that’s what’s happening. So many blasts noises and running sequences its hard to tell. I watch like a rabbit caught in the head lights.

The basic premise of the film is the main female character gets put into a witness relocation programme. And Arnold Schwarzenegger is the cop that is assigned to look after her and giver her a new identity.

The character gets relocated, she gets a new name, a new house a job, credit cards, she even gets her hair did! A whole new identity. Whilst watching this I became so inspired about the power a witness relocation plan could have.

You could be taken away from a hum drum existence and be given a new chance some where else. Be given a new identity, a fresh start a chance to begin again. Maybe I wouldn’t make the same mistakes, I could go back a couple of years in age create a new persona with the advantage of hindsight.

I could make up things like having a phobia of great white sharks, or praps of coming from Norway. I could have an accent or a strange twitch. I could really start living again away from DVD stores.

I did some research into WRP, I read of stories about witnesses having
Involuntary invasive plastic surgery to change the entire way they looked.
I knew I had to do everything in my power to get on that programme. The fact
that you never see your family and friends again would be a small price to

A new name, which I have always longed for, an actual job, and an actual
Home rather than a underground bunker with no windows which is were I am living now. I could reinvent myself as anything I wanted, a new face! a second chance a golden opportunity. I was guessing I would be probably relocated to the countryside some where out the way.

I always fancied seeing what Papplewick was all about, or Cumbria, I’d have
to keep a low profile, living as Roland Ross perhaps, Working as a dog walker or a professional babysitter with a brow lift and plumped up lips.
Even though I live in England, for some reason I imagined I would be
relocated to the Deep South Mississippi America in 1920.
I began to fantasise about the names I would choose I always wanted a name
that rhymed like Rowland Poland, or Ricky Dickey, or Jack Sack.
Ricky Dickey is a man you can trust I imagined, some one you might have
over if you had a little DIY job round the house, “oops I burnt the house down
again, better give Ricky Dickey a call, he will surely know what to do” or,
“damn I’ve killed someone by accident again, oh well better get that darn old
Ricky Dickey a call” A jack of all trades smeared with oil and plad, “jus livin a
simple live down here in the south, help folk when ever I can” Ricky Dickey.
Since having this day dream I have started trying to witness as much crime as
possible, in the hope that I will get myself involved in a big case capeeche?

Maybe find myself down the DA’s office in a filthy smoke filled room with men
smoking cigars in their fifties with facial hair and beige Macs and New York

accents, scantily clad prostitutes in handcuffs with big attitudes walking
around the joint. And me spilling the beans on some grandma shoplifting racket I’m about to pull the plug on. Its gonna end up to dangerous for me to be in my old life I need to be relocated off the streets.

Foot note
My idea of the inside of a police station is based on TV shows that I watched as a child, like Quincy, Colombo and Murder She Wrote.

I would be led in to a small dark office at the back where people would
discuss my future with meaningful looks on the faces, occasionally getting
close to each other and slamming fists on tables. I would only be able to make
out certain words like, sex change, implants, Papplewick and relocation.
I would be led away to a secret hide out in a Beatrix potter disguise where
extensive plastic surgery would take place.

I would almost wake up 4 months later in Papplewick, with my new identity,

New name-Julie Fooly
Job- Paper round
House- tree by the lake
Friends/family- None
Status-unfound out of Danger

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