Glass of Water (part four)

I murmured “I didn’t want to come here anyway”.Then it hit me! no god please! Why do you hate me!? I had plastic cutlery, everybody else was using metal, everybody in the entire café was using metal cutlery. I couldn’t see anybody else using plastic, no wait, near the window, someone holding a plastic knife, it was a Child! A child, the shame of this proved too much for me to handle and pushed me over the edge.

I knew then I was definitely the laughing stock of the café.The he-she’s sat next to us were almost doubled up in laughter. And I knew it was about my cutlery mistake. I tried to style it out, by eating my mash and pizza with my hands, but it was too late.Glass of water even mentioned it which just proved to me that everybody in the café was talking about how I had picked up the children’s cutlery to eat my meal.

I looked around the café and waved my plastic knife and fork at people in defence, as a fuck you!Glass of water had done so well not to notice any of my neurotic behaviour, even though all the evidence was clearly there. He was happy twittering on like a sky lark, or a fidgety blue tit, that complete git.He was now on the eleventh story of how his best friend was such a terrible person and such a bad friend. And why they were no longer friends, all the different things this guy had done to him and said, all I lived through in real time, along with the he-she’s at the end of the table who at this point were closer to crying then laughing, as was I.

I was growing rather fond of this ex friend of his, started to really see his point of view.“What was his name again?” I asked“Andrew”Nice name I thought, he sounds like a nice chap, seemed to have more back bone then glass of water. Andrew was probably a tall chap who was probably silent a lot, not a twittering fool. Someone who only spoke when there was something worth saying like,“look, someone’s purse” or “ did you see that fella trip up?”.Andrew would never come to a place like this, always preferring, dark roomy places where you were waited in Restaurants in hotels, nothing too complicated. Somewhere where there were always tables and places to sit with readily available cutlery and shade. I could spend my time thinking up hilarious double entendres, instead of worrying about condiments or seating arrangements.“Do you want your pizza?” he asked“What”“Do you want your pizza?”“No “I said woken from my dream date with Andrew and back to the reality of my café tray date. “No “I said” you eat it, help yourself”.

That pig I thought, stuffing his face eating a whole bowl of rice with salad and now on to my pizza. I despised him.The wind was blowing a gale and the rain was pouring down outside. There was thunder and lightning, even a flash storm that had trapped me here. I began to weigh up my chances of being electrocuted by the storm if I ran out and left the café now.

I realised the risk was probably very high, I was just thinking whether that risk was worth the gamble.Then suddenly a burst of sun from behind the cloud, it was a sign of my freedom. The rain stopped briefly, I had my chance. I had to make my escape. Glass of water and I left the park. He was walking my way to the bus stop, even though I had tried to second guess which way he would walk and choose the most obscure route back in the opposite direction. Somehow that was the quickest way for him to get home, of course.I could mention any subject to glass of water and he would be happy to take the lead in the conversation through moaning about it.

Travel was a good one as was the ins and outs of his bike. As was in fact his job or the last ten birthdays, growing older, being young, blue tack, trees, zebra crossings, London, the gays, Chinese New Year, Tesco, Easter. You name it really.Whatever the subject he came across as a qualified professional moaner on it, I started to nearly like him, but not quite.I could no longer look him in the eye, choosing his right shoulder for comfort or his left shoe or front bike wheel. As we found ourselves walking down Regents Street, me toddling through, him pushing his most hated bike and twittering on about how much he hated Regents Street. I was just busy trying to avoid eye contact. I realised I didn’t even need to be there I was a sound board for him.

He wasn’t taking the blind bit of notice of me anymore, just talking on and on. I could have used the time to pop into a few shops, have a browse around, maybe try a few things on, go for coffee, and see a show. I could have left him at anytime only to rejoin him a bit further down the road, without him ever noticing that I had gone. It did not matter if I was there and talking just as long as he could witter.The English are very good at wittering. In fact I’m sure we invented it, well we invented the word. I’m quite a good witterer myself, moaning is a another very English trait. In my mind a moan has a time and a place called, 6 months after we are married or in a suicide note left behind. Until these situations occur at least put up the pretence of being a fun outgoing person with a lust for life before your true cynical nature can show its ugly face, especially when you have just really met somebody.As I left my date finally I realised that we had both had lucky escapes and had a little laugh about that on the bus ride home.I had to get back to see if anyone had added me to their favourites.

Pretending to be religious

Ever felt out of control, like nobody’s listening, that people are living there own lives free and happy in spite of you?


Then pretending to be a religious person may be for you.


I have become religious mainly to use it as a weapon against friends and family when they are doing something I disagree with. It carry’s much more clout and a greater feeling of guilt if you have god figure on your side when giving advice to the innocent.

There are so many benefits to pretending to be religious, it is important not to believe in or actively take part in the religion you pick. So as not to be ladled with any guilt about the small or limited way you should lead your life. How ever, it is important to read up on your chosen path and to always have a couple of quotes or examples of script waiting in the wings for when you need to un reassure people about the way they are leading there way ward life’s.

Choosing a religion that is right for you is important it’s as important as the right shoes with the right outfit. A good way to start is to way up the pros and cons of the potential of religion and the ability and strength it can offer you in ruining people’s lives.

You may at first think for example that Buddhism could be a week choice as it’s so “passive” and inclusive, but never underestimate the power of lording something over people.
Recently for instance I was walking through the park near were I work and I came across a woman in her mid fifties practicing tia chi, what struck me about the woman, was not her crazy new age clothes and hair or in fact her miming making a cup of tea in the park for everyone to see. It was the look on her face, the “tai chi face” little bit smug, the look said I’m better than you, I’m happier, you’re a little bit stupid, I am enlightened, I am the important one, I am to behold, I get it. All in one look. This is not unlike the look you need to adopt if pretending to be a Buddhist, lording it over everybody.

The best religion that has worked for me is Catholicism, it is fantastic there are so many rules and regulations, so many ways in which, with the lords help you can damn friends and family.

Elevating you were you belong, on the moral high ground. There is no were I would want to live my life more. It is important to keep your private life a secret if you are to stay up living on the moral high ground, through this experience you may find as I did that that your private life becomes more out of control than before, the drug taking grave robbing and 10 in a bed romps happen much more often now that I am pretending to be religious.

I am quite lucky in the fact that I have pretty gordy taste so a religious décor is just to my liking. It’s important to put pictures and statues everywhere in your home that signify your chosen religion. The more bloody and gory the better, You want to step in that home and in my case see/ feel like you are in the Vatican. (House of what ever you’re chosen religion) I have taken away all seating and have little stone alters were people can make themselves uncomfortable when visiting. And with great expense have huge statues of Jesus on the cross levitating above the bed’s, for when people stay over. The great thing about catholism in the décor stakes, there is no such thing as “over the top” lay the gold and guilt on thick.

Lets go back to guilt, to prey on peoples “good Will” is important, once you start, u realise specially in English people it can be limitless. With the help of religion you can ruin so many events and special things for loved ones. Even if people are not religious in your life, because you are, you will be able to go all the way. Respect for your religion with have them cleaning your alters with holy water in no time.

Visions are important to keep interest going, I have been visited many times by Jeezzu him self in the form of crosswords. Writing messages like

“No more fun”


A Crossword is a fantastic tool in creating messages because you can make them say what ever you like.


This is also true of dot to dots as you can draw anything you like and site it as “a vision
Example


Swearing is also completely band in my presents which can stop some people in the middle of something they are saying could be a boring story they are regaling in front of a group of friends. Use this opportunity to halt there rubbish story, and tell them off, “please do not take the lords name in vain” embarrass them and then move on to your thoughts and feelings on why religion is so important, and shove your religious view point down there throats, this will in turn give all the attention back on to you were it belongs.

Another great mechanism of spite is suggesting that those of your friends and family that are non believers go to a class to learn about your religion. Now be careful here that could just refuse saying its not really there thing. That’s why it is important to pay for the class, if you can find a really expensive one then its worth the money, make sure to show them receipts and the fact that you cant cancel it. Make sure it is in the summer time, try to get a weekend course so as to ruin there free time.

A religious holiday is not out of the question, for me its just the perfect destination, Jerusalem in the height of summer, what could be more uncomfortable. An example of my holiday plans would be insisting living as pilgrims on arrival as Jesus had. The whole holiday would be cursed with the phrase “would Jesus have done that?” to accompany you on such a religious holiday choose carefully, my instinct tells me to go for a doo gooder, someone who just cant say no, someone who may have crossed you in the past. Don’t go with more than one person so your will is never out numbered. You may say, well I am also having the hardship of this holiday it wont be much fun for me. You would be wrong, the pleasure of pretending to have faith and controlling and ruining somebody’s holiday is payment enough.

Make believing to be a religious person is the best gift I could give to the people in my life, a sort of thank you for all the things they have never done for me.
I have found pretending to be religious for a short and very intense time will suffice, a year too two is probably good enough. This will give you the right amount of time to take over all of the various holidays and ruin them with your religion.


“Life dragging your tired ugly old face into the gutter?

“Get a faith lift”

Coffee and Tea

I find it hard to grasp simple concepts and when I get nervous my hearing goes completely and I become tone deaf which is quite an inconvenience on a first day of a new job or at the cheese counter in Sainsbury’s.
I like listening to love song ballads when I’m cooking as I think it makes the food taste nicer. I’m not a fan of these new over sized buggies and when I see a really ridiculously sized one, it makes me angry for up to a week later. When I see a young family with a traditional pram I feel I want to congratulate them.

Other things that make me angry are people that stroll in a tube station, slow bus drivers, (bus drivers generally), bad manners, the HSBC bank, call centres, the television programme “Through The Key Hole” and people who wait till the end of a cloak room line cue to disrobe.

Things that make me happy are finding money, Murder She Wrote, waking up on Saturdays, and people tripping over in the street.

I have a fear of answering the telephone as I always think it is going to be bad news. Most days when returning home I am always slightly apprehensive, because I fear my rented house will have burnt down and it will some how be my fault, I often plan on the bus home what I will do when this inevitable situation happens, it involves a haircut a new name and a stint in the army.

In the morning I prefer tea rather than coffee as I like to be teased awake rather than slapped. I am still dreading January and it is April already were does the time go? I have been making many decisions about my costume lately and it is shorts and long socks I shall be wearing what ever the weather, I do sometimes catch a glimpse of myself and fear I have lost touch altogether with the outside world.

Death by Pita Bread.......

I arrived home rather early from yet another birthday drinks evening it was Saturday night midnight, I had had 4 and a half pints of lager and half a glass of Champagne and exactly 12 role up cigarettes. I had eaten a cheese sandwich at 1300 hours and a portion of chips at 1600 hours I was drunk and hungry. I had declined the offer to go clubbing to Disco blood bath night club and instead made a quick exit and was now only three bus stops and a short walk away from a pita sandwich. I made haste on leaving the bus almost running but not quite. I had decided on the way home to keep the pita simple I would have cheese and margarine with a hell of lot of salt,. My mouth watered, I was at the door fumbling for the keys, that’s it up the stairs and away in the flat.

I walked in to find my flatmate on the sofa smoking we made noises at each other, and I rushed into the kitchen straight into the freezer were I plucked the frozen pitas from there nest and placed them in the toaster. Pitas are one thing that we have in abundance at our house the reason being you can buy exactly four packs of pitas for a pound at out local shop. Each pack has four or five pitas in it making potentially 20 pitas for a pound, imagine that value! We buy in bulk and freeze them so we always have them to hand, it makes me feel like a wealthy person, I’ve got pitas to burn! Pitas are good for eating but are also extremely useful in other ways they make fantastic floor cleaners, wiping services, keeping fires going, a lethal weapon (frozen) and they make very comfortable and stylish house shoes!

As I popped my pitas in the toaster and plunked the plunka down on the side, a relief finally came over me, a tension that had been mounting since 2300 hours was now finally dispersing with the pita in my grasp. I used the time the pitas took to toast to prepare my filling and cut the cheeses just so, and got the margarine from the fridge and gather the amount I wanted on to a knife. I stood and patiently waited for the toaster to give the pita up. All the while me and my flatmate had been having a lazy conversation from the kitchen to the front room, this was fine, a little distracting from the task In hand, but not too taxing.

The pita popped up high out of the toaster as though it was trying to escape I wouldn’t let that happen I grabbed it and burnt my hand doing so. I pushed the pita to the plate and sliced at it, like doing open heart surgery the steam rose up and onto my glasses temporally blinding me, no matter I quickly removed them and proceeded with the operation. I spread the margarine witch dissolved into the pita, I place my pre chopped cheese on to the surface, this was going to be good. I wrap it up this is the moment I have been waiting for I Jab the pita into my mouth fast and begin chewing furiously. It is so good just what I had hope for like heavens Alixia. I am eating, I am chewing, I am happy. I take another bite my flat mate is still talking to me from the other room I have now started to answer in murmurs as the pita is making it hard for me to speak. I jab again I want this damn pita and I’m gonna have it all of it all of it now. I had jabbed too hard and choked a little. I cough but nothing moves my mouth and throat are filled with pita, I am choking yes choking, it wont budge I cough again nothing happens I can feel myself going red as I began to gasp for much needed air. I realise then that I am going to die.

I was panicking and choking, my whole life flashed before me all the hours id spent in the DVD shop’s all the wrong choices I had made like “babe pig in the city” and “legally blond two” I had so many regrets and no time to fix them now.

My flatmate was now asking me another question from the front room, something about a glass and Peru. I murmur back hoping this will satisfy as an answer. I knew that under no circumstances must my flatmate find out that I am choking the embarrassment of this would be too great. I had to do everything in my power to conceal my immanent death.

“What did you think then” she says
“ hhhmm”
“What was that?”
“MmmMM”

I am managing to take wasp breaths for the time being but I know it is a matter of minutes before I stop breathing all together. My flatmate on not hearing me decides to come into the kitchen to hear my response clearer.

“I was just asking if you knew the capital of Peru”

I turn to the sink now, my back towards her, she mustn’t be able to tell that I am chocking to death in case she trys to help and I have to put up with the embarrassment of being saved.

She seems not to notice and potters around and gets a glass

“your rather odd she says”

“mmm” now a low slow murmur

I nod pretending to do dishes, I don’t turn around. I had taken at that moment what I thought was going to be my last breath.

I knew if I had let my flat mate know that I was choking, she would have tried to save me, with humiliating techniques like the hymen manoeuvre. Can you imagine that! For me life wouldn’t be worth living after such a manoeuvre , such an embrace I would find it hard to hold my head up in public and would be forced to leave London and change my name to Derek move to Doncaster and work in a baked bean factory.

That must not happen I must not be saved I must die quietly with my dignity.

It is becoming too much to conceal as I begin to splutter, she exits the room I am greatly relieved as now I can die alone unnoticed.

I decide to go to the bathroom were I can lock the door, so it would be virtually impossible for my flatmate to save me as she hear’s me choking in my last moments.

The end was Ni, I grabbed my throat I wasn’t breathing at all anymore panic had faded away, I had accepted my fate, my flatmate shouted from the other room

“You ok?”

I cough, this is it I think death take me in your arms, then another cough I feel the pita is dislodging a miracle! Its loose I open my mouth as it falls out of it onto the floor. I quickly shout back.

“Yeah fine”